Random thoughts...

I have so many thoughts going through my head and I don't really know how to share them so here's a random blog post. My thoughts are all over the place and this post doesn't flow smoothly.

D-15

I am leaving Korea in 15 days. I have a mix of emotions. I'm super excited to go home and see my nephew. I'm worried about finding a new job. I'm going to miss my friends. I'm going to miss Korea. I regret all the things I didn't get to do. I had so much that I wanted to see and do, but I didn't get around to it all.

I am really not looking forward to the 25 hour total flight time (including layovers). That 15 hour flight is going to drive me crazy.

I can't wait to see my little nephew. I just want to hug and squeeze him. I also want to take him out and spoil him. He will have a good Christmas this year although he doesn't really need anymore toys. I just love to see him happy. Right now he is the only thing that brings me true joy. I want to spend my day with him instead of working a real job.

I really wish I would have learned Korean. I'm always impressed by foreigners who are fluent in Korean. It makes me feel dumb. I want to learn, but I don't have the motivation. I feel like my brain doesn't have the capacity for another language. Plus I know that I will forget it all because I have no use for Korean in the US. My area is very small and there isn't much diversity. I have only seen black, white, Indians, and latinos in my hometown.

I'm so ready to go at this point. I've made some good memories, but I realize that coming back this time was a huge mistake. I stuck it out as long as I could (6 months). I've been counting down the days for the past 3 months. I just can't take it anymore. I feel like these kids treat me like I'm some sort of joke. They don't want to behave. They just want to talk to each other and play on their phones. I tell them to put away their phones in class and they just ignore me sometimes. Koreans are addicted to their smartphones. Why do kids have smartphones anyway? Most of the kids that are always using their phones are 6th graders so they are about 12-13 years old. They like to use the chat programs and play games.

I do my best to teach these kids, but they don't want to learn. I'm expected to teach them, but all they want is free time and games. I have some classes that really pay attention and they do well on the material. I have other classes where its a struggle to get them to pay attention. On Wednesday I felt like I got nothing accomplished in my reading class. We just finished a book so I spent a class reviewing and talking about the book. It mostly consisted of one student answering and everyone else giving my stupid answers that made no sense. Only 1 of 6 people had their homework. I gave them more homework, but I think only one person will do it. I'm showing them the movie today, but I'm going to be tough on them. If they don't behave and actually watch the movie then I'm not showing them the rest of the movie. I'm tired of them always talking, not paying attention, and playing on their phone. At this point I'm just counting down the classes and trying to make it through the day.

Its really hard when I prep for my classes, but no one wants to learn. I put in a lot of effort and I want to see them succeed, but they don't really care. I wish I could work with students who want to learn instead of kids who are being forced to be there.

I'm having dinner with my ex this Sunday. It will be the last time I see him before I leave Korea. I'm going to miss him. He's a really nice guy, but it just wasn't meant for us to be together. If I could turn back time maybe I wouldn't have messaged him and saved myself from heartache. We are still good friends and we have met 3 times since we broke up.

I have 5 dentist appointments in the next 2 weeks! I am going to be busy! Before last month I hadn't been to the dentist in 4 years. Dental care is really expensive and there aren't many resources for people without insurance so I didn't go to the dentist for 4 years. When I went in Korea I found out that I needed a root canal and 5 of my old cavities needed to be replaced. I chose the expensive ceramic inlays. My dentist bill is going to be about $2,300. Oh well. At least I can afford it here. I know that I couldn't afford it in the USA. Dental is a lot cheaper here. I'm glad I'm able to get it fixed.

I'm scared about finding a job when I go home. I don't have a clue what I want to do. I just feel that I don't have any special skills or anything that makes me stand out from other candidates. I think my overseas experience should be impressive, but in the past no one was impressed enough to give me an interview! I suck at interviews, too. I don't have any confidence in myself or my skills. I also think I may have a mild case of social anxiety. I'm socially inept and painfully shy. I think its really hindered me in my life. I'm going to be poor for the rest of my life. I don't want to live to be old because I won't be able to survive.

I need a huge change in my life. Its going to take a lot of effort on my part. I need to get my spiritual life in order again. I need to have more confidence. I need to lose a lot of weight. I need to improve my skills. I need to improve my mood. I need to make some friends. Its going to take time and patience.

I still haven't decided the fate of this blog. Part of me wants to just leave it here and not post. Another part of me wants to continue posting about music, drama and movies. If I do post it won't be frequent. I do want to continue to follow music and watch dramas and movies. I would still like to accomplish my goal of watching all the movies on the top 100 list. So far I've only seen 4. I have a long way to go!