so lost....

I don't write everyday anymore. I just don't feel like it. Most days are just boring, mundane stuff anyway. No one wants to hear about how I can't control my class!

I never want to get out of bed in the morning. I went to bed around 1am and set my alarm for 8am. I kept setting my alarm for longer and didn't get out of the bed until 10am.

Tuesday is my least favorite day. I have to be at school at 12:30 and stay till 10pm.

I only had 3 classes today so I had a ton of free time. I had classes from 3:10-4:40 and then 6:10-6:55. The rest of the day was free time.

I am so lost! Its hard coming in at the end of a semester. Its time to write comments and I didn't know what to write. I've only had these students for 3 weeks. I don't really know if they have improved from last semester or what they need to work on yet. I just wrote "......is a good student in my class". One of the teachers thought that was too simple. She asked the other teacher to go in and erase my comments and write new ones. I did have something to say about my class with 3 little boys. I wrote that all 3 of them need to work on their behavior. Two of the boys with bad behavior did really bad on the spelling test, but the teacher listed that they made a B.

I need to start taking notes in class. Its hard to teach and keep notes on everyone's behavior and what they need to work on.

I'm having a hard time adjusting! I feel like such a bad teacher! This is my hardest teaching job so far. I feel like a big failure.

Part of me wants to go home, but I don't want to give up.

One reason I want to stay is because I want to see what could happen between me and my boyfriend. So far he seems to be a really nice guy. Next Tuesday will be our one month anniversary! He is very affectionate towards me. Our communication is unique since we don't really speak each other's language. We speak the language of love I guess. (and we use translating apps). I haven't found anything bad about him yet (except that he works too much, but that is part of Korean culture. They are known for working long hours. Its not like he chooses to work so much. Its required.) Could this be the person I marry? Would he move back to the USA with me? Right now he is the only thing that makes me happy. He is so sweet and encouraging. I vent to him on my bad days. He tells me to "cheer up". We don't get to see each other often, but we do chat everyday. (I don't have a phone yet so we chat). Once I have a phone we will can talk on the phone some during the day. Maybe some texting also.We have chatted every single day for the past 25 days. Even if its only "good morning" and "good night". Sometimes we make small talk during the day. Last night he told me that he was my guardian angel and asked me if there was anything that I needed. I didn't tell him I needed anything. (Even if someone is willing I am not a person who likes to ask for things) But honestly there isn't anything in particular that I need at the moment.

The other reason I need to stay is because I need the money. My goal is to pay a big chunk of my student loan. I've been paying them for 10 years already and I haven't made any progress! Sad. I still owe about $14,000. I was hoping to save most of my money and pay off at least $6000-$7000 off on my loan. Then save the rest for a "new" used car. (My current car is 17 years old, has close to 200,000 miles, and could probably see its last days anytime now.) My mom is already having some problems once I'm gone. She is driving it for me. She had to replace the right windshield wiper because it came loose. Then the other day she had problems cranking the car. Its been a great car for the past 10 years. A $4000 car that lasts for 10 years is a great buy!

Sometimes I wish something bad would happen and I could just die. Isn't that sad? I'd rather die than live a miserable life. I know my family would be sad, but my pain would end. I feel like I have just had the worst life. (I know other people have it much worse than me). I can't find anything that makes me truly happy. I want to enjoy my life. I spend most of my life in a constant state of worry.

I am still very bitter about losing the only job I ever loved 7 years ago. (company went bankrupt) I had a happy life, but it was taken away from me. Its been downhill since then.